Attack Of The The Teddy Bears!
by kitties control my brain
Summary: Envy has a water gun! After he sprays a girl that hangs around him and the other homuncuolous often, who's name is Birdy, the girl ruins Envy's hair and they now must battle! Just like a bad samurai movie! Breakdancing, magic, and teddy bears.
1. Envy's emotional breakdown

**Disclaimer: sigh … sadly no… I don't own FMA. But if I _did _then I would kill off Winry! HA! …….sorry, but I just don't like ANY Winry pairings. So yeah…**

ON WITH THE STORY!

"YOU STUPID PALMTREE-HEADED CROSS DRESSER! GET BACK HERE SO I CAN KICK YOU'RE". Lust smacked the fiery red head in the face. Lust glared at Birdy, but it wasn't because she was about to yell some "vulgar" language in front of the oh-so-wonderful children of the world, but instead it was because she really didn't know what else to do at the moment. I mean seriously, what _else _goes better with a slap in the face than an evil glare? Nothing that's what! They r like peanut butter and jelly! They just work together!

ANYWAYS, ahem back to the story.

"Birdy!" yelled Lust. Birdy whipped around ready to hurt anyone who got in her way right now. "What?" "Don't yell that stuff!" "And why _not_?"

Lust pulled up the upper half of her dress because it was falling down a little too low, then she crossed her arms over her chest; trying to look as mad as possible. "because… I said so!"

"right…"

Envy snuck up behind the unsuspecting Lust and Birdy with an evil smirk on his face, and a fully loaded "soaker 360" water gun in arms. "Surpriiiiiiiiseeee!" envy leaped up from behind Birdy and soaked her and Lust fully from head to toe.

Birdy was now thoroughly mad. _Nobody does that to me and gets away with it!_

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR!" Birdy leaped up above envy's head with ferocious bear claws and fangs. This terrifying sight caused envy's hair to do the unthinkable!

His hair stuck out even _more_ than it usually does!

Envy screamed a girly-ish scream. He stroked his hair with waterfall tears in his eyes. "YOU RUINED MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!"

Envy stood up with a determined look in his eyes, pointed at Birdy with his index finger, and accusingly said: "You ruined my hair you fiened! Prepare to die!" but strangely enough when envy said this, his lip movements were off from the words like a bad samurai movie.

Lust was sprinting around the yard frantically screaming for them to stop and flailing her arms about wildly. But again, really just because there wasn't anything else to do at the moment that seemed to fit. Screaming like a damsel in distress at the moment seemed best. So she did.

With the same expression, Birdy replied fiercly: "I accept your challenge!" but again, just like a bad samurai movie. -'

**THE BATTLE WAS ON!**

Envy, who was still caught up in the moment said to Birdy with his chest puffed up: "Choose your weapon!"

Envy was very impressed with himself. And so were Lust and Birdy, for they were both clapping with wide eyes.

Envy was trying to make himself look much bigger and more intimidating than he really was. But this was very hard, considering the fact that Envy's deepest, darkest secret is that the thing that scares him more than fluffy pillows, Lust's boobs, and anything with the color pink in it, are cute little teddy-bears! Just the thought of them terrified him!

_No!_ Envy thought to himself. _Don't think about it! Thinking about it… no! Think happy thoughts! La, la, la, laaa!_

But no matter how hard our spikey-haired homunculous tried, he thought about them.

Envy was now not only scaring himself with the thought of teddy bears, but everyone else who was standing around him. Why? Because in his attempt to stop his very evil mind from getting the best of him, he was now squirming around on the ground like a sanke. And his green hair not only made him look more like a snake, but made it look like there were many, MANY different snakes coming out of his head.

During Envy's very entertaining emotional break down, Wrath came skipping up the street very merrily with his eyes closed. Then… he tripped over Envy. Partly because he had his eyes closed, and partly because his denseness is sooooo high and his sense of presence is soooooooo low that he didn't even notice anyone there. In fact, he thought that he was on his way to candy land.

Wrath opened his eyes and looked curiously at envy. Then he looked curiously at Birdy. Then curiously at Envy. Then back to Birdy. He was curious to what was going on, and why he was not in candy land yet. Oh yes, he was very curious.

After several more minutes of looking at Birdy then Envy, Wrath came up with a brilliant conclusion!

In fact, this conclusion that Wrath has come up with was _so _brilliant that he just felt that the world should know! No, _had_ to know!

"I have a conclusion!" Wrath said excitedly. Actually, Wrath was sooo excited that he did the unthinkable! ………..

………. He pointed his index finger at Envy! horror movie sound effects and many loud screams are heard in the distance.

"In fact, this conclusion that _I_! _Wrath_ have come up with is soooooo brilliant that I shall share it with you while I point my index finger at Envy!"

"So then what _is_ it then?" asked Lust.

Lust had grown bored with running around screaming that she decided to join Birdy, Wrath, and Envy. But with that _very_ captive speech that Wrath had made, she too wanted to know what this "brilliant conclusion" that Wrath had come up with was.

"As I was saying before I was oh-so-ever _rudely_ interrupted, my brilliant conclusion is… drum roll please!"

"drdrdr!" Birdy pathetically attempted to imitate the sound of a drum roll for this ever-so dramatic and memorable moment that would ONE DAY GO DOWN IN HISTORY. But avast, she failed.

"My conclusion is… that…"

Wrath looked around slyly with an evil grin. _Oh yes, this day shall go down in history as the day that I! WRATH, had come up with a brilliant idea!_ Wrath thought to himself.

"ENVY HAS BEEN BREAK DANCING DOING THE SNAKE! YOU CANNOT BEAT ME, ENVY!"

Wrath immediately fell onto the ground and tried to beat Envy by doing his version of the snake.

Lust: "Birdy! Quick! We need music!"

Birdy: "I'm way ahead of ya!"

Birdy whipped out her purple flowery radio and turned on "Peanut Butter Jelly Time."

"IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!" Lust jumped up and down enthusiastically singing: "Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a football cap!" For this was Lust's favorite song ever since she practiced learning the lyrics so she could win the "best children's vocalist award" down at the local McDonalds. Her boyfriend at the time (now her ex-boyfriend) was Ronald McDonald the clown. He was one of the judges. But even so, she still lost.

"Go Wrath! Go Wrath! Go Wrath! Go Wrath! It's your birthday! Not really, party anyway!" Birdy was really getting into this now! And obviously, the whole "water-gun-samurai-fight-thingy" had been long forgotten.

During all the commotion, Sloth came up to see what was going on. Partly because she was interested, and partly because she wandered what could _possibly_ be so exciting to people that _wasn't_ her.

As soon as she walked up, a huge sweatdrop formed over her head.

"What are you guy's doing?" she asked Birdy.

"Dancing!" she replied with starry-eyed eyes happily. She was very caught up in everything.

"Ummm… right…"

Sloth had now decided that even though she desperately wanted to join the dance contest and knew that she could beat them both, that this scene was _waaay_ too uncool for anyone of her friends from her weekly book club to see her at.

If the women from the book club saw me dancing like that and getting jiggy with my bad self like that, then they might ban me from the book club! And then I may never get to finish reading "Junie B. Jones and the Stinky, Smelly School Bus"!

"No! Oh I mustn't!" Sloth turned her tear-streaked face in the other direction towards the setting sun (even though it was only 2:00 in the afternoon) so nobody could see her crying. And also to make a really cool exit, in case anyone from the book club just so happened to see her there at the moment.

"I must not join!"

Then…….

……………..

…she went running off down the street, never to be heard from or seen again….

Or at least until dinnertime rolled around.

**SEVERAL HOURS LATER**

"… curse…pant…youpant… ENVY!" After 48 hours of break dancing in the front yard, Wrath was exhausted. Not even he could keep _that_ up.

"You may have won today! But I sware I'll get my revenge someday! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Wrath's voice faded away as he ran somewhere downtown.

Birdy: "What could he have meant by that Lust?"

Greed: "That is a very good question, my dear Birdy! But _I_ have and even _better_ question! Not what he meant, but what he is planning on doing!"

Lust sighed. Was she surrounded by morons or what? "Greed, that's the same thing… And since when did you even get here?"

Greed: "Get where?"

Birdy: "HERE!"

"OH MY!" gasped Greed. "How did I get _here_!" Greed looked around his surroundings.

Hmmm… large house, graveyard, a giant red slide, bird bath, toddler swing set… yet this looks so familiar… but from where?

Birdy and Lust just stared in amazement at Greed. How could someone forget their own house?

"Greed… you kinda live here…" Birdy walked up to greed waving one hand around with a sweatdrop over her head.

"Oh… I do?"

"Yes" Lust said impatiently "you do."

"Oh right! In any case!" Greed jumped up onto the top of his red corvette.

"Greed, get off the car." Lust was getting tired of this.

"No! And you can't make me!"

"Oh yes… I CAN."

"CAN'T!"

"CAN!"

"Just try it!"

"DON'T MAKE ME TELL HOHO WHAT U'VE BEEN DOING EVER NIGHT WITH THE NEIGHBORS DOG, SHEILA!"

Greed jumped back onto the ground with a look of defeat.

"I'M IN REHAB FOR THAT!"

Lust smirked.

Greed sighed.

"…okay, so maybe you can…" _Dang. How could she know about that? I mean, it was only a one night stand!_

"Hate to stop this argument, but I think we should really figure out why envy is still squirming on the ground, and what wrath meant." Birdy stepped in between the two fighting siblings and probably said the most sensible thing in several days.

Lust: "She's right."

"hmmm…" The three of them stood on the sidewalk using the best of their brainpower to help figure out what in the world could possibly be wrong with envy. Although this wasn't very helpful since none of them really had any brainpower. In fact, two out of three of them couldn't spell the word "brain power", and Greed didn't even know what that word meant.

"SCREEEECH!"

Lust and Birdy turned around to see who just arrived, while Greed was still overusing his brain.

And WHO other should it be than…….. drum roll

………. EDWARD ELRIC!

Edo walked up cautiously to the squirming Envy.

"ummm… what is he doing?" edo asked. Not that he really cared, but he was very worried that Envy might have rabies. And if so, then he was even more worried that he might catch them.

Birdy shrugged her shoulders. "That's just it, we don't know."

Edo leaned in closer to Envy out of curiosity

Envy: "T-teddy…b-b-bears…."

Edo: "Teddy…bears…..?"

Birdy: "What did he say, Edo-kun?"

Edo: "Something about teddy bears."

Greed's face turned pasty white. "Oh no. It's happening again!" Greed shuddered in fear.

Everyone turned to Greed and said in unison: "What's happening again?"

Greed pulled out a microphone and a soft piano could be heard playing in the background. "Well, it happened a couple of years ago when we were at an amusement park! There was a giant pink teddy bear who kept following us around. Envy was already scarred enough by the laughter of the children and the colorful lights and sounds, but this just made it worse! As envy was sitting down to eat his cotton candy, this giant pink teddy bear came up behind him and… it's too horrible for words! sniffles He… he… he… HE SHOVED ENVY'S FACE INTO THE COTTON CANDY!"

"KYAAAAAH!" Edo screamed in fear. Everyone looked at him in surprise.

"What?" Edo pressed the tips of his index fingers together and looked down shyly. "It sounded… scary… that's all…"

Birdy: "But what does THAT have to do with this?"

Greed: "I was _getting_ to that! ahem anyways, because of this incident, not only has Envy had a deep fear of children and carnivals, he has _also_ been terrified of teddy bears ever since!"

Lust: "Nooo!"

Greed: "Yes!"

Birdy: "Hmmm... so, you mean that he might be having some kind of a panic attack?"

Greed: "Of course!"

Spap! Birdy smacked her fist into the palm of her left hand. "So... we should probably snap him out of it or something. But how?"

"Hmmm..." The brunette, the short blonde boy (edo: "Hey! Don't call me 'short'! author: "well you ARE! edo: "AM NOT!" author: smacks edo on the head with mighty-mighty spatula. "shutup! I'M the author, and whatever I say goes in this story!" edo: "..." pouts in a corner.) and two homunculous stood on the front lawn trying to figure out ways to snap envy out of his panic attack. But... well... that's not much of a comforting thought, now is it?

_Will Birdy, Lust, Edo, and Greed ever figure out how to snap Envy out of his current mental state? And what did Wrath mean? Find out... well... sometime in the next chapter! COMING SOON! Or not... I don't know... whenever I feel like it... don't count on it..._

**obviously it's to be continued, you stupid dipsticks!**

**to everyone who is, wants, or THINKS that they r going to write me a flame about the ending, DON'T BOTHER. This is obviously not the end, MEANING (for everyone that's an idiot) that I'll ADD MORE LATER. I'll repeat:**

**I'LL ADD MORE LATER.**

**Again:**

**I'LL ADD MORE LATER.**

****

…………

…………………**..like u can get rid of me _that_ easily?**

………**pssh! Yeah right! As if!**


	2. The Wizard of Oz!

**Disclaimer: hmmm… why does everyone hate "disclaimers" so much? Guess it's just another one of things that ill never understand… like why there r some people who hate the beatles, or why my sister ran from "chuckie" the mouse at "chuck-e-cheese" and hid under the table… yah…..**

**Authors note: sry, but in the last chapter I made a HUGE mistake that I didn't even notice until after I published the story. Birdy's hair is brown, not red. And her eyes r more of a brownish-greenish color. I forgot to change that. the original character used was a girl that's going in a future fma story. sry bout that.**

**Hamtaro (author): "Yaaaaay! People like my story so far!" (does happy dance)**

**Birdy: (ahem) "Let me explain. You see, this is the most luck she's had on a story. But this is also the first story she's actually uploaded that was not something that took days and days to think of the next chapter for."**

**Edo: "You don't have to get _that_ happy."**

**Hamtaro: "Oh yessh I do! So SHUTUP!" (smacks Edo on head with mighty-mighty spatula). "The MIGHTY-MIGHTY SPATULA STRIKES AGAIN!"**

**Edo: "HEY! THAT HURT!"**

**Hamtaro: (Huggles Edo). "Don't worry Edo, I still luv you! But I luv my Aru-aru even more!"**

**Birdy: -sigh- "Aru-aru is the nick-name that she made up for her luv Alphonse…"**

**Hamtaro: "Aru-aru's my future husband! Thank you very much!"**

**Birdy: "Let's just get on with things…"

* * *

**

…**and the story begins…NOW!

* * *

**

:EVENING:

It was now getting VEERRY late at the home of the homunculous, and still no luck. And by this time, they were giving up. Their brains were fried. Too much thinking.

The first to give up was Greed. Why? Cuz thinking AT ALL was too hard for him. He was almost dead from overusing his brain.

Then suddenly, Birdy had an idea! Which doesn't always happen…

Birdy: "I'VE GOT IT!"

Everyone jumped in surprise. It had been silent for several hours, so the noise scared them.

Edo: "What is it?"

Birdy: (points index finger towards sky) "Let's go see the 'Wizard'!"

Greed: "Like in the Wonderful Wizard of Oz?"

Birdy: (singing) "Because, because, because, because of the wonderful thing he does!"

Edo, Greed, Lust, and Birdy all linked arms and started skipping down the street of to the wizard of oz singing "We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful wizard of Oz!" and whistling merrily. And let's just say that they got some pretty _interesting_ stares from people down the street. They even scared several kids with there strange happiness.

* * *

Riza: "Colonel, there's someone here to see you." 

Roy: "Send them in."

Riza: "Colonel… what are you doing?"

Roy: "uuuhhhh…. Nothing!"

Little did Riza know, it was definitely not _nothing._ But _something._

Mustang crouched down behind his desk even more. Mustang was playing with his brand new "inst-a-magic" kit that he got through the very useful, AVON magazine. He was a regular with them.

Riza: "…?"

Although, Riza did not know! OH THE HUMANITY!

* * *

Edo: "LET US IN!" 

Edo and the others were waiting impatiently outside of the Central HQ.

Birdy: "EDO! QUIT SWINGING YOUR SWORD AROUND!"

Edo was swinging his hand blade around at the guards because they refused to let them in. The guards said that it was because they were too suspicious looking, especially Edo because of his height.

Guard 1: "Get lost small-fry!"

Edo: "DON'T CALL ME SMALL!"

Birdy: (slaps hand on forehead) "Oi…"

Lust on the other hand was off hitting on one of the other guards… sigh…because he looked like her ex…Ronald McDonald…(but obviously he wasn't)

Birdy: "I don't think they are going to let us in if we keep this up, Edo-kun…"

Edo: "Then what do YOU suggest?"

Birdy: "…well…why don't you just try showing them your state alchemist watch?"

Edo: "Oh…right…"

Edo looked down out of embarrassment for the obvious lack of _thinking_. Why hadn't he thought of doing that sooner?

Edo reached down into the front pocket of his leather pants digging for his state alchemist watch. Which took a lot of digging, since there was so much gum, tic-tacs, and many other miscellaneous objects in his pocket. Since when was the last time he cleaned it out? Better question, when was the last time he ever _washed_ his pants?

Birdy noticed the many grotesque things being flung out of Edo's pocket.

Birdy: "Edo, since when did you last _wash_ your pants?"

Edo: "Uuuhhh… I don't know… New Years?"

Birdy: "Ewww…"

Birdy stepped back a couple of feet out of disgust.

_Gross…_ She thought to herself. _But then again, I'm not surprised._

Edo: "What's with that face?"

Birdy: "Oh nothing…"

But of course it was hard for her to hide her grossed-out-ness. She was doing everything she could to keep herself from getting sick all over Edo's clothes. But that would just make matters worse now wouldn't it?

Well, at least then he'd HAVE to wash his clothes… LOL… 

"Found it!" After digging through all the gunk that was in his pocket, Edo finally found his watch.

Edo looked at Birdy confused. "Now what?"

"Go show it to the guards, you dipstick!" Birdy said as calmly as she could. _This is soooo frustrating._

"Oh, right!"

Edo scurried up to the guard (who for some reason didn't see what was happening earlier). He showed the guard his license.

"I'm a the Fullmetal Alchemist! I need to see Colonel Mustang."

"All of you?"

"Yes."

"Even that guy by the bush over there?"

"Huh?"

The guard pointed to a rose bush in a corner. The guy that he was pointing at was Greed. Greed was over talking to the rose bush.

Lust: (who decided to stop flirting with that other guard) "Oh my god…"

Birdy: "…"

Edo leaned on one foot and scratched his head. "Jeez Greed…"

He turned back to the guard.

"Yeah, even that guy."

The guard opened the gate to HQ and let the four of them through.

"Go on."

Edo, Lust, Greed, and Birdy rushed by the guard. Birdy was last because she was the only one who remembered her manners and took to the time to thank the guard.

"Thank you Mr.Guard sir!"

"Hmph…"

Birdy ran as fast as she could to catch up with the others. But Birdy is very slow. And because she is so slow, her running looked more like slow-mo power walking.

"You might want to hurry up girl!"

Birdy looked over her shoulder panting, with an angry expression.

"pant…I am! pant…Shut up!" She gave the guard a sign that was...well...let's just say a certain (ahem) sign...

* * *

BANG! BANG! BANG! 

Mustang: "Luetenant Hawkeye, who is that banging on the door?"

Riza: "I think it's them colonel."

Mustang: "Oh. Send them in."

As Riza went over to let them in, Mustang fumbled through his mail-order magic kit hurriedly, trying to put it up before Edo could see it.

_If Edo and Birdy saw this, then they would want one too, and they'd try to steal mine from me!_ Mustang laughed menacingly to himself. _Well, I won't let them take it from me!_

Not like they really _would _want it…

Or WOULD they?

Hmmm…

The plot thickens!

DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUN!

* * *

"I'm gonna break this door down!" 

Birdy crossed her arms in amusement.

"Okay Edo-kun. Go right ahead!"

Birdy stepped back from the door to give Edo room to charge.

Edo backed up a few feet to gain momentum for his high-kick that he was going to use to BREAK THE DOOR DOWN!

"Alright!" Edo ran at the door at full speed!

"RAAAAAAAAH!" Edo jumped up off the ground and was going to give the door a jump-kick, when Riza _coincidentally_ opened the door _right_ before Edo would've hit the door. Causing Edo to crash-land into Mustang's office.

Birdy and Lust looked at Edo from the other side of the door with weird expressions. Greed however, was now having a rather (ahem) _interesting_ conversation with a nearby fern.

Mustang leaped up from his desk. Since he didn't have enough time to hide his magic wizard kit, he hid it behind his back.

Mustang: "F-fullmetal! W-w-what brings you here?"

Edo: (looks at Mustang with an expression that says '_what's with you?'_)

Mustang: "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Edo: "Because you seem very suspicious, that's why."

Mustang: "Oh…"

Edo: "Are you hiding something?"

Mustang was sweatin' bullets. He looked around the room nervously.

Mustang: "Of course not! I-I'm not hiding my '_inst-a-magic kit_' that I ordered from AVON magazine behind my back! Why, that's preposterous!

Lust: "Wait! Did you just say that you WEREN'T hiding your 'new _inst-a-magic kit_ that you got from AVON magazine behind your back'?

Mustang: "No."

Lust's face turned into a care-free expression.

Lust: "Oh! Okay then!"

Birdy stepped into the room. "Anyways, the reason that we're here is because we're on our way to see the Wizard of Oz!"

Mustang: "For what?"

"Well, Envy went into an emotional break down, so we are trying to snap him out of it by seeing if the Wizard of Oz can do anything that can help him."

Mustang: "Oh. I see."

Edo looked up at Mustang. "You do?"

Mustang: "No."

Edo: "Oh."

Birdy put her hands on her hands and shifted her weight to her left foot. "Well actually it's more like we _were_ going to go see him, but…"

Mustang: "…?"

Birdy: "We decided that the Wizard of Oz is WAAAY too far, so we thought that coming to Central HQ would be the next best thing."

Mustang: "Oh! I see!"

Edo: "Really? You do?"

Mustang: "No."

Edo glared at Mustang with an annoyed stare.

Edo: "…"

Mustang: "What?"

Edo: "Nothing…"

Mustang: "Oh okay then!"

Lust: "Anyways, is there any way you can help us?"

Mustang was shocked! _They want my help?_ Nobody had _ever_ asked for his help (much less wanted it) ever since the granny's at the old folks home asked him to help in their bake sale, and he accidentally mixed up the jar labeled "sugar" with the jar labeled "anthrax"! He was shocked!

A light from the heavens shown through his office window. Bells were ringing! The angels were singing! Oh happy day! Someone actually _wanted_ Mustang's help!

Edo, Birdy, and Lust shielded their eyes from the ray of light (Greed was still talking to the plant).

Birdy: "Where's that freaky light coming from?"

Edo: "From the heaven's above!"

Lust: "Actually, I think it's from that spotlight that they are shining at that cinema theatre from across the street. A new movies coming out. We should go see it later."

Edo: "Oh."

Birdy: "Really? A new movie is coming out? What's it about?"

Lust: "A talking dog."

Edo jumped up and down excitedly like a fat kid in a candy store. "Let's go let's go let's go let's go! Let's go see it! I LUV TALKING DOGS!"

Both Birdy and Lust stared at Edo like he was some kind of idiot.

Edo stopped jumping in mid-air and asked "What?"

Both girls answered in unison: "Oh…nothing…nothing at all…"

* * *

ANYWAYS: 

Mustang got up from the floor with a huge smile on, and his face surrounded by sparkles (just like Armstrong!). He walked up to Edo and Birdy proudly.

Mustang: "Actually, I _can_ help you!"

All three turned around surprised. "You can?"

Mustang: "Oh yes, I _can_!"

Lust: "How?"

Mustang: "Well you see, I just so _happen_ to have a magic kit of my own! And I'll bet that I can help you, seeing as how I am _the best wizard in the WORLD!_

Edo looked at Mustang in aw: "Awww…"

Mustang jumped onto his desk.

But…

…

…well…

…He kinda….

Knocked off his entire magic set….

…and…

…..spilled all the potions everywhere! Whoopsies!

Mustang: "Whoopsies!"

Birdy: (Blood vein pops out of head) "…you…effing…IDIOT!"

Sweat drops formed over everyone's head.

(sigh)

* * *

**…will they ever find a way to cure Envy of his panic attack AND his fear of teddy bears? And why has Greed been talking to plants recently? Find out…..**

……**..sometime in the near future!**

………**well…………..EVENTUALLY!

* * *

**

**I'm sry for this chapter being soooo boring compared to the first one. It's almost 2:30 a.m. so… I'm gonna quit for the night. I'll start on my third chapter after I publish this in the morning. I mean, I've really got nothing else _better_ to do anyways… so…yeah…whatevs…**

**Oh, and I'm sry about seeming so bitter at the end of the last chapter. I was worried that people would leave bad reviews, so I tried to make just as-clear-as-possible that I really didn't want any flames. But now, I don't care as much. ****Oh, and sry about all the grammatical errors in the chapters. It's cuz sometimes I'll type properly, and then other times I just don't feel like it. Well, I PROMISE THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE A LOT BETTER! ……..oh great, I probably just jinxed it…………………………………………..dang.**


	3. A Trip To Diagon Alley

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or the Wizard of Oz. But I _do_ own the blow dryer that Envy uses every morning to make his hair stick out so much. It's pink with Barbie!

* * *

**

Lust, Edo, and Birdy stared in shock at Mustang's clumsiness. And obvious stupidity.

Mustang stared down with dotted eyes.

Mustang: "Uuuhhh… I can fix that!" He bent down and started to swish the potions around with his gloves. Making the mess much worse than it was to begin with.

Edo: -giant blood vein pops out- "HOW IS THAT FIXING THINGS?"

"Shock!" Mustang said shockingly. "Y-you yelled at me…"

Sweat drops formed over everyone's heads.

Edo: "uuummm…yeah…"

Lust rested her head on her chin. "So what do we do now?"

Birdy: "………"

Edo: "………."

Mustang: "……………"

Lust: "…………"

Birdy: "….well…….we should probably try to clean this up before-"

"KYAAAAAAAH!" Mustang held his hand in pain. Apparently, the liquids were acidic to human skin. He burned himself while touching the potions.

Birdy: -sigh- "-someone gets hurt."

Edo: "A bit late for _that_ now isn't it?"

Birdy: "Oh just shut it. Anyways, let's go off and find a mop or something."

* * *

And so, our "Three Musketeers" set off on a new journey.

They must find a mop!

Edo: "GYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHH! We've been walking forever!"

Lust: "Edo, it's only been five minutes. And the door's right there." Lust pointed down the hallway at the large door leading to Mustang's office that was directly behind them.

Edo: "Oh."

* * *

ANYWAYS:

The three of them began to wander around Central HQ. And they saw some pretty interesting sights too.

_Edo: -stops at a large statue of the Fuhrer- "Oooooh… What's that?"_

_Birdy: "A large statue of the Fuhrer."_

_Edo: "Oh."_

_Edo: -walks up to the Fuhrer- "Oooooh… What's that?"_

_Birdy: -looks at Edo with a peculiar expression- "Uuuummm… that's the Fuher **himself**."_

_Edo: "Oh."_

_Edo: -points down at a dog- "Oooooooohhhh… What's **that**?"_

_Birdy: -grits teeth- "That's…a… dog…"_

_Edo: "Oh."

* * *

_

All of these **spectacular** and **unusual** sights, and having to stop and explain what each one was to a very confused Edo, they finally had a lead!

* * *

Edo: -walks up to the secretary at the front desk- "Excuse me, but do you know where we could find a mop?"

_Secretary: -points down the stairs- "Down that flight."_

_Edo: -looking very confused- "Flight? Are you sure?"_

_Secretary: -looks suspiciously at Edo- "Yes…"_

_Edo: "Okay." -walks a few steps away, then walks back up to the secretary.-_

_Secretary: "What now?"_

_Edo: "If it's on a flight, then where's the plane?"_

_Secretary: "There is no plane!" -smacks Edo so hard on the head that he goes stumbling down the stairs and **miraculously** lands right in front of the door that leads to the cleaning supplies."

* * *

_

Birdy: -throws hands into the air.- "Yay! We found it!"

Lust: -does happy dance.-

Edo: "It's a 'magic door'!"

Birdy: "No you dipstick, it leads to the mop that we were looking for!"

Edo: "Oh. Really? You sure?"

Lust: -still doing happy dance.-

Birdy: "Yes. I'm sure."

Edo: "Because she said-"

Birdy: "You idiot! There was no plane!"

Edo: "Oh! Then why'd she say there was one? I'm confuzzled!"

Birdy: "………YOU DARE CONTRADICT ME?"

Edo: "Eep!"

Birdy: -eyes are now flaming.- "Fine! I'll prove it to you that she wasn't referring to a plane!" Birdy jumped onto the door handle and tried to open the door, but it wouldn't budge.

Lust: "Hmmm… that's strange, why won't it open?" By this time, Lust had stopped doing her "happy dance". She just wasn't feelin' the "happy dance" groove anymore.

Edo: "Maybe it needs a password! OPEN-SESAME!"

"Ooooh…" Birdy and Lust stared at the door with hope that it might open. But it didn't. It didn't budge one little bit.

Edo: "Dang."

Lust: "_Maybe it needs to be oiled on the hinges."_

Edo: "_Maybe it hates me…-cries-"_

Birdy: "_This is stupid. I'm hungry."

* * *

_

-SEVERAL HOURS LATER-

Our three heroes were now at a loss.

They found the mop, but this tenacious door would not open!

Edo: "GRAAAR! Tenacious door! Why won't you open?"

Edo tried pushing the door with as much force as he could. But that stupid door _still_ would not open!

"Oh!" Lust turned her eyes towards Edo and the "Evil Door". "Maybe we should try pulling it!"

Edo: "Oh suuure! That's what the door _wants_ you to think! And then as soon as you do, that's when they get you!"

Edo walked up to Birdy and got right in her face. "SPAP! Then they've got you!"

-SMACK!- Birdy smacked Edo in the face for doing that to her just now.

Birdy: "Edo! Have you been watching Envy's 'C.S.I. Miami' tapes again?"

Edo looked down shyly, put his hands behind his back, and started making little invisible circles with his left foot on the floor. "…no………yes…." He said sadly.

Birdy: "Oi… You know that watching too many of those can kill your brains don't you?"

Edo: -throws fists down to his sides in protest.- "But I wanna be a cop!"

Birdy: "….watevs."

Edo: "Yay!"

* * *

Birdy: "Oh, I almost forgot." Birdy pointed her finger at the door. "PULL THAT DOOR!"

Lust and Edo stiffened their posture like soldiers. "Right!"

Edo ran over to the door and pulled it open.

Edo: "Success! Huh?"

Birdy: "Oh god-."

The entire contents of the cleaning closet fell like an avalanche, and everything fell on top of Edo's blonde little head!

HORROR!

* * *

Birdy rushed over to Edo's side to see if he was hurt.

Birdy: -grabs Edo's hand- "Oh Edo! Are you hurt?"

Edo: -looks up at Birdy with weak eyes.- "I…don't think…that I…can….live…much longer…..Birdy…."

Birdy's eyes were filled with tears.

Birdy: "Oh Edo! Don't die on me! Don't die! Please!"

Edo: "ugh…."

Lust: -hits Birdy lightly on the head with a feather-duster. "That's enough you two. Cut the 'sad movie death scene' act alright?"

Both of the two extremely pathetic wannabe actors looked sadly at Lust with watery eyes.

Both: "We hate you Lust!"

Lust: -sweatdrop-

* * *

-CLAP!- Edo clapped his hands together and used his alchemy to clean up the avalanche of stuff.

Birdy walked over and dove into the pile of stuff like a scuba diver, even though it only piled up to her ankle.

She reached up with…a mop! HOORAY!

Birdy: -jumps up- "I found the mop!"

Lust and Edo: -throw hands into air- "HOORAY!"

Then they all had a party to celebrate this memorable moment!

And then it ended.

But not because they were bored, but because Edo had accidentally ate some of the confetti.

Birdy: "YOU FLIPPIN MORON! DON'T EAT THAT!"

Edo looked up innocently at Birdy with sad, innocent eyes. "But… it looked so pretty… and…I thought that it might taste good…"

Birdy crossed her arms and closed her eyes in frustration "Well DID it taste good Edward?" Birdy _never_ called Edo by his full name unless he did something really stupid. And of course, this was.

Edo: -looks down in shame- "…no…" -bursts out into tears and glomps Birdy's leg.- "Oh I'M SO ASHAMED!"

"HEY! LET GO OF ME! YOUR STUPIDITY MIGHT RUB OFF!" Birdy shook her leg incessively attempting to shake Edo off.

Lust: "Let's _go_ already!"

Edo and Birdy: "Oh. Right."

Birdy: "TO THE OFFICE!"

* * *

Birdy, Lust, and Edo rushed off to Mustang's office!

On the way, Birdy noticed that Greed was still talking to the plant…-sigh-

* * *

"WE MADE IT! WE ARE HERE TO SAVE THE DAY MUSTANG!"

Birdy threw open the door so fast that it came off it's hinges!

…And smacked Edo square in the face.

Lust: "Poor Edo. Prone to accidents."

Mustang turned around gleefully.

"Oh thank goodness you're here! I thought you might've died on that _dangerous_ journey you all went on to find a mop!"

Birdy: "Oh yes. It was a dangerous journey indeed! There was an avalanche!" -starts making strange hand gestures in the air and hits Edo in the face by accident as soon as he gets up.-

Birdy shrieked with fear.

"Edo! Are you dead!"

Edo: "….no."

Birdy: "Oh. Okay then!"

Knowing that Edo was not dead, she completely forgot about the entire incident.

"CHAAAAAAARGE!"

Birdy and Lust (Edo was still on the floor) ran over to attack this dastardly puddle of acidic potions with their faithful mop!

"FEAR MY MOP O' DOOM!"

Birdy smacked the mop onto the puddle, causing a couple of splashes of the acidic potion to get on Mustang's face.

"KYAAAAHH! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!"

"Oh…crap."

Lust: -points at Mustang's face.- "Quick! Mop up his face! His face!"

Birdy: "ROGER!"

Birdy threw the mop onto Mustang's face trying to mop up the little specks of potion, but neither of them realized that since the mop had acid on it from being in the puddle, that it would actually make things _worse._

Mustang: "AAAAAH! IT BUUUUURNS!"

Birdy: "…dang."

Lust: "What should we do? There isn't any way to clean up this mess!"

* * *

Suddenly, a flash of light appeared behind them. But nobody really noticed…….

"Aaaaah….but there _is_ something that you can do!" said a mysterious voice.

But, nobody noticed…

"Hey! I'm talking to you!" The mysterious person threw a stone at Edo's head to get everyone's attention.

Edo: "Hey! That hurt!"

"-ahem- As I was saying…there IS a way to fix all of this!"

Birdy: "Really?"

Lust: "Well, what is it?"

"Well, gather round children and I shall tell you."

The mysterious person whipped out a few logs from behind his back and started a campfire. The lights went out as Edo, Lust, Birdy, and Mustang gathered around the luminous fire.

Mustang: "Preach oh mighty one!"

Birdy: "…Mustang…he's not a god…"

Mustang looked confusingly at Birdy. "Oh? He's not?"

Birdy: "…no."

Mustang: "Oh. Okay then!"

* * *

The mysterious man began his _enthralling_ story.

"In a town far faaaaaaar away, there is an alley. This alley is filled with…" The mysterious man looked over at the eager Mustang with piercing eyes. "-ahem- …_real_ wizards."

Obviously, Mustang didn't realize that this comment was aimed at him, for he was bouncing up and down with excitement. Actually, the only thing that was really on his mind right now was how he would look in a wizards outfit.

Birdy: "So…what is this 'far faaaaaaar away town' called?"

"It's called…"

Edo: "Yes?"

"It's CALLED…"

Lust: "_Yes?_"

"IT'S CALLED…"

Birdy: "_YESS!"_

The mysterious man covered his eyes with his dark colored cape.

"DIAGON ALLEY!"

Edo looked up at the man mysterious man who was obviously NOT hoenheim and asked:

"So…how do we get there?"

"Well, is there a fireplace nearby?"

"No. But there is a desk." Edo pointed to Mustangs desk which was cluttered with a mixture of spell books, and "A Dating Guide For Dummies".

"THAT WILL DO!"

* * *

"yay!" All the idiots said in unison.

"Now…to Diagon Alley!"

The mysterious wizard, Edo, Birdy, Lust, and Mustang all gathered under the desk tightly.

Edo: "Birdy, get your ass out of my face!"

Birdy: "Get your face outta my ass!"

Mustang: "I WANT MY DOLLY! Oh, here it is!"

Lust: "…Mustang…"

Mustang: "What?"

Lust: "…that's not your dolly…"

Mustang: "Then what is this squishy thing?"

Birdy: "WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS STUPID!"

Lust: -stares blankly at Mustang-

Mustang: "Oh! So _that's_ why it had two heads."

Lust: "THOSE AREN'T HEADS!"

Birdy shrugged sarcastically at Mustang's stupidity. "Well, I guess that's _one_ way to put it. I guess."

Lust crossed her arms annoyed. "Let's just go already."

* * *

The mysterious man pulled out a small pouch of magic dust.

Mustang and Edo clapped their hands excitedly, with bright child-like eyes. "Ooooh! Pretty colors!"

"To DIAGON ALLEY!"

-FWOOSH!-

* * *

-FWUMP-

Lust, Hoenheim, Mustang, Edo, and Birdy all landed in a pile on the floor in front of an old fire place.

Edo: "What is this place? Is it an old bar?"

* * *

Then a large burley man walked up to them. He had a moustache. Edo looked up at the large man upset about the fact that he was over 7 feet tall, while Edo on the other hand was barely reaching 5ft 5in. And that's _including_ his elevator shoes, his antennae, and the several layers of extra padding that he put in his shoes to add a few more extra inches.

But sadly, even after all these things he has done, he was still no match for this mans height.

So to make himself taller, he began jumping up and down as high as he could. Yet he still couldn't even reach up to the man's elbows.

* * *

Hagrid: "My name is 'agrid, and yer' in Diagon Alley!"

Mustang: "Yay! We're here!"

Birdy and Lust: "Finally…"

Edo: "Yay! Cake!"

Mustang, Lust, and Birdy all looked at Edo like he was a moron. "_Cake?_ Is _that_ all you can think about!" Birdy asked.

Edo looked down at the ground shamefully. "Well…I couldn't think of what else to say…"

Mustang threw his hands in the air: "YAY! CAKE!"

Sweat drops formed over Lust and Birdy's heads.

* * *

Birdy: "soooo…what should we do now? Ask for directions or something?"

Hagrid: "Just come 'wit me and I'll show ye' where ya' need ta' be."

So everyone started following Hagrid through Diagon Alley, hoping to find some more answers.

* * *

**And there u have it! The third chapter of my story! Sry I haven't updated in so many weeks, but I just didn't feel like it. But now im back into it. Sry if this chapter isn't as good as the others that ive got up, but oh well. I was working all through writers block when I wrote this chapter, so this was the best I could do. Please review! oh, and don't flame cuz just like all my other stories, flames R NOT welcome here.**


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